Two newlyweds went
on their honeymoon
and were getting undressed together for the first time.
He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all
twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?"
his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.
" When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said,
"Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"
"Signs that your spouse is having an affair by computer:
10. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The gift of a rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
6. He's become amazingly good at typing with one hand.
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software".
4. Lipstick on the mouse.
3. During sex, she screams "A-colon backslash enter insert!"
2. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants.
1. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's behind."
Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
If you had one big green ball in one hand, and another ball in the other what would you have? Jolley Green Giants dick in your mouth!
A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but the she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says "No, my father said I don't have to do this." Her husband says 'OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children."
Minnie and Mickey's marriage was in trouble. They decided that they should go to a marriage guidance counsellor. Each took their time with the counsellor. At the end of the appointment the counsellor asked them to come back a week later, giving him time to examine his notes. A week later they came back and sat together. The counsellor looked at them both and then addressed Mickey. "You know," said the counsellor, "you shouldn't tell Minnie that she's crazy." Mickey looked from Minnie to the counsellor and back again before saying "I've never called her crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."
A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot an ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork. "What do you think?" the wife says. "Uh, who the fuck is Bob?" the husband replies.
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
A woman runs out of her house one morning and catches a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!" "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?" "I want a huge mansion to live in." "OK, you've got it." "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million pounds" "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes" Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
How Shit Happens on the Corporate Ladder
In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And The Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers
And they spoke among themselves, saying :
'It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh'
And the workers went to their Supervisors and sayeth :
'It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof'
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them :
'It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
Such that none may abide by it.'
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth :
'It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength.'
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,
'It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.'
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them :
'It promotes growth and is very powerful.'
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
'This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
Company, and in these Areas in particular.'
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And he saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
This Is How Shit Happens.
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty at the Office, But Aren't.
I need you to whip it out by 5!
Mind if I use your laptop?
Put it in my box before I leave.
If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
I want it on my desk NOW!
Hmmmm... I think it's out of fluid.
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
It's an entry-level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!
